bull's eye

I worked as a TA for a leadership development class last year. Before the year began, the instructors asked my fellow TA and I complete an exercise that required us to name the quote by which we live. I selected:

“If you would hit the mark, you must aim a little above it.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I'm don't think I truly live by Longfellow's statement, although I probably did more so last year than I do now. But I think I've successfully been using that philosophy of achievement lately to get me through the end of the semester flood of tests, papers, finals and projects. Case and point: I spent about two weeks torturing myself/working on a major paper. I was a little unsure of whether I completed the assignment, but my teacher wasn't and gave a grade I am quite pleased with.

The good grade boosted my mood for a lot of reasons. I'm amidst a hell-ish week during which I have to complete finals in all of my classes, so a good grade is a great confidence booster. Plus it takes a little bit of pressure off my score on the final test in that course.

Kind of ironically, the greatest reason to smile that grade gave me actually depresses me.

Honestly, I'm not very smart. School's hard for me. The thing is, long ago, I taught myself how to study. I learned that I can't start a paper or project the night before it is due and expect to get a good grade. I'm not smart by nature, but I know I can be with the right behaviors.

The frustrating thing is, people don't really get that about me. With the exception of my best friend and my mom, most of my friends are fooled by the intelligence I create. They think I'm naturally smart, and ride me for my study/read/write-in-advance habits. Most of the time, such chiding isn't a problem. I can brush it off and we'll laugh together.

That's hasn't been the case recently. While I was working on my big paper, a friend or two were actually annoyed at the fact that I prioritized research over recreation. They made fun of me for writing for so long, and asked that I stop talking about the project that currently consumed my life.

I 'spose it could have been witty banter, but it sure didn't feel like it. I took it personally, though I know I shouldn't let that kind of stuff get to me. I really felt hurt.

So, circling back 'round to the point, this good grade is a pass for a huge "told-ya-so." And when doesn't it feel good to say that?

What makes me sad, though, is that these friends made me feel so bad in the process. Good grades are almost always a boost of confidence, but the boost should be about personal ability. Now, thanks to my annoyed friends, my grade justifies my study habits and the resulting recent lack of a social life. I shouldn't need justification for such things in the first place.

In the end, I know I'll end up taking the safer, more mature route and just get over the hurt. I'll continue my behavioral-smarts - my perceived over-achievement - to get to the grade I'm actually aiming for.

For tonight, though, I'd like to paste this 97 (one of the highest grades in the class) on my fridge. And flip the bird to all the naysayers. While doing a little dance around their decent grades that are lower than mine.

(Good luck on finals, all. Cheers.)